Disclaimer: Everything I discuss here does not apply to all men/people in general. There are always exceptions when speaking in general terms. However in this specific piece, I am not referring to those exceptions, but it should be noted that these exceptions only account for an extremely small minority of the world. Please continue to read this with an open mind even if you disagree.

            I read an interesting quote recently that perfectly summed up a topic that’s been on my mind lately. This quote by the famous director Shoojit Sircar is as follows: “Patriarchy is so ingrained in our psyche, that most [of] us propagate it in small ways even without realizing.” Oh no, I’m talking about the big and scary “patriarchy,” I just can’t do that, it doesn’t even exist! This is an attitude I feel a lot of people have when it comes to the discussion of the patriarchy. And to even add to that anxiety while talking about the patriarchy, let’s bring up another uncomfortable topic, toxic masculinity. Oh no, an even scarier topic, it can’t possibly get any scarier than this can it? I’ll do you one better, enter toxic femininity.

            You might be a bit confused now, toxic masculinity and the patriarchy make sense concerning one another, but where does toxic femininity come into this? Well, all three are convolutedly intertwined, with the patriarchy acting as a foundation for toxic masculinity and femininity that fit together so perfectly like a puzzle. Today, I want to discuss how toxic gender roles and expectation influences society, and even you today. My only request, as always, is that you keep an open mind while reading this and do your own research so you can have an informed opinion and perspective.

            Now, let’s do this one last time. What’s the “patriarchy?” The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as the “social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line.” Okay, big words, so let’s put this into layman’s terms, it’s a system where men have disproportionate power compared to women and transfer that power down a male line.

Our next scary word is “toxic masculinity.” It’s the idea that some of the qualities promoted within traditional masculinity perpetuate negative and toxic qualities and behaviors within men and masculine-presenting people. While the list goes on and on, some of the well-known characteristics are violence, bigotry, entitlement, abusiveness, and stoicism. Now, it’s important to discern the differences between traditional and toxic masculinity. Traditional masculinity is the set of traits and behaviors that are promoted towards men (e.g. independence, aggression, social dominance, etc). Whereas toxic masculinity only refers to the negative characteristics of traditional masculinity.

The final big bad word, and possibly one you’ve never

explicitly heard, is “toxic femininity.” The phrase was created as a way to fight back against toxic masculinity. Because of this controversial origin, it has generated a variety of definitions. But for all intents and purposes, I’m going to use one that professionals within the psychological, sociological, etc. fields have agreed upon. Psychologist Meaghan Rice defines part of it well, calling it “the inverse of toxic masculinity—a constellation of characteristics like meekness, emotionalism, passivity, and self-sacrifice.” Fellow psychologist Ritch C. Savin-Williams further described it as “internalized misogyny.” Traditional femininity however is the set of characteristics expected of women, such as politeness, naivety, gracefulness, passiveness, etc. Similarly to traditional and toxic masculinity, toxic femininity only refers to the collection of negative traits and behaviors promoted within traditional femininity. However, both toxic and traditional femininity are directly rooted in sexism while toxic and traditional masculinity are not.

So, have you figured out the common thread between all three terms? They all come at either the direct or indirect expense of essentially everyone who does not fit the confines of traditional masculinity, including men. This especially applies to those who do not fall at either end of the gender spectrum, a group so large yet often ignored in this conversation.

So, how do we fix this? I believe all change in the world starts from within and from our young. We need to be the change we want to see in the world. Don’t be afraid to go against whatever traditional gender-based stereotype that tells you to do/act. Do whatever you want – within reason of course – don’t let society or some outdated and decrepit idea limit how you act, are, present yourself, etc. We cannot expect change from a world when we cannot even do it ourselves.

We also need to break these ideas and not instill them in our young people. After all, these expectations were placed upon us at birth and continuously throughout our childhoods, so it only makes sense to teach against these ideas from the start. Give your child the freedom to choose and express themselves, but also make sure you’ve taught them right versus wrong. And especially do *not* use the phrase “boys will be boys” either in defense of your child’s behavior or another’s against your child or someone else’s. This circles back to the quote at the very beginning of this article, patriarchy – meaning misogyny – is so normalized that you and everyone else continue to cultivate and promote it.

And lastly, don’t be fearful of calling out any negative behaviors, again within reason of course. Call it out at school, professional institutions, your home, your children, yourself. Misogyny and anti-non cisgender men sentiments truly exist *everywhere* and we need to point it out when we see it. Or else that allows it to continue existing and promoting harmful ideas. These changes won’t happen overnight sadly. This will take generations to correct, and probably even longer than that. The world, in almost all civilizations, was born through the patriarchy, this is thousands of years of hateful ideas, the very foundations our society walks on today. So, let’s continue the movement, change can only happen if people let it.

References:

• https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/shoojit_sircar_1142002
• Shoojit Sircar – Patriarchy is so ingrained in our psyche, that most us propagate it in small ways even without realizing.” BrainyQuote, brainyquote.com/quotes/shoojit_sircar_1142002 Accessed 12 Apr. 2024.
• https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patriarchy
• “Patriarchy.” Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 3 Apr. 2024, merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patriarchy.
• https://www.cnn.com/2023/08/03/world/what-is-patriarchy-explainer-as-equals-intl-cmd/index.html#:~:text=Derived%20from%20the%20Greek%20word,passes%20down%20the%20male%20line.
• Cnn, Eliza Anyangwe and Melissa Mahtani. “What Is Patriarchy? What Does It Mean and Why Is Everyone Talking About It?” CNN, 3 Aug. 2023, cnn.com/2023/08/03/world/what-is-patriarchy-explainer-as-equals-intl-cmd/index.html#:~:text=Derived%20from%20the%20Greek%20word,passes%20down%20the%20male%20line.
• https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/toxic-masculinity#google_vignette
• Toxic Masculinity. 10 Apr. 2024, https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/toxicmasculinity#google_vignette.
• https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-is-toxic-masculinity
• Vallie, Sarah. “What Is Toxic Masculinity?” WebMD, 11 Nov. 2022, webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-is-toxic-masculinity.
• https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/what-we-mean-when-we-say-toxic-masculinity
• “What We Mean When We Say, ‘Toxic Masculinity.’” Learning for Justice, 11 Dec. 2017, learningforjustice.org/magazine/what-we-mean-when-we-say-toxic-masculinity.
• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8469901/
• Malonda-Vidal, Elisabeth, et al. “Traditional Masculinity and Aggression in Adolescence: Its Relationship with Emotional Processes.” National Center for Biotechnology Information, edited by Ramon Flecha and Adriana Aubert, 17 Sept. 2021, ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8469901. Accessed 13 Apr. 2024.
• https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-femininity-5222736
• Seven, Zuva. “What Is Toxic Femininity?” Verywell Mind, 19 Feb. 2023, verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-femininity-5222736.
• https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_it_really_helpful_to_talk_about_toxic_femininity
• “Is It Really Helpful to Talk About Toxic Femininity?” Greater Good, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_it_really_helpful_to_talk_about_toxic_femiminity.
• https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/sex-gender-identity/what-are-gender-roles-and-stereotypes
• “Gender Identity and Roles | Feminine Traits & Stereotypes.” Planned Parenthood, plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity/sex-gender-identity/what-are-gender-roles-and-stereotypes.
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/4377665#:~:text=This%20puts%20the%20origin%20of,producers%20of%20labour%20power%2C%20women.&text=33%2D35).&text=male%20domination%20itself.
• “Review: The Origin of Patriarchy on JSTOR.” jstor.org. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/4377665#:~:text=This%20puts%20the%20origin%20of,producers%20of%20labour%20power%2C%20women.&text=33%2D35).&text=male%20domination%20itself.
• https://encyclopedia.pub/entry/32192#:~:text=10%2C000%20years%20ago%20(8%2C000%20BC,of%20the%20sabre%2Dtoothed%20cats.
• Timeline of Human Prehistory. 2 Nov. 2022, https://encyclopedia.pub/entry/32192#:~:text=10%2C000%20years%20ago%20(8%2C000%20BC,of%20the%20sabre%2Dtoother%20cats.
• Interviews with Daniel, Zac, Anonymous Person 1, and Anonymous Person 2