The following is a transcript of: “The Kissing Booth: An Analysis.”

A man appears on the screen before you, dressed in a tuxedo with his hair perfectly in place, he delivers the following lines:

Joe: “Hello everybody! I’m Joe, and today I will be giving my review on “The Kissing Booth,” a true gift from the gracious and charismatic executives at Netflix! Starring the girl from that show about Munchausen syndrome… “

The transmission cuts off here. For a moment, the screen is black. Suddenly, a figure appears. It’s Joe. However, he now sits in an ill-lit room, his tuxedo tattered, a sense of panic in his eyes.

Joe: “Is this thing on? Thank goodness. Okay…”

His eyes dart across the room.

Joe: “I don’t have much time. Do not listen to the man in the previous transmission, that is not me. Well – it is – but this is far more complicated than you could imagine. There are people here – they’re making us say good things about their terrible movies. I mean seriously, another teenage coming-of-age movie featuring yet another boring straight couple…”

Joe continues for another five minutes about how derivative and generic each storyline and character is in “The Kissing Booth.”

“… Anyways, they’re searching for me now. God knows what will happen if they find…”

A noise is heard in the background; Joe goes silent. He is not alone.

The camera is turned to face opposite of Joe, who is currently hiding under a table.

Two men are seen entering the room’s doorway. Both holster weapons.

Man 1: “He’s gotta be in here.”

Man 2: “What happens when we find him?”

Man 1: “We don’t kill him, not yet.”

Man 2: “Well, what are we gonna do with this guy?”

Man 1: “We’ll wipe his memory, just like every other critic here. Besides, he needs to be alive for when he reviews the second installment.”

Man 2: “Wait, seriously, we’re making another one of those?”

Man 1: “You have no idea how many will succumb to the corniness of a teenage rom-com.”

Joe is audibly panting. The idea of a second Kissing Booth is enough to make a man weep. It takes the strongest of wills to not erupt with emotion at the notion of another installment of the heaping pile of manure that is “The Kissing Booth.”

Joe cannot contain his dread; he lets out a cry of both fear and rage.

The men quickly find him and snatch him from under the table. The camera continues to roll.

Joe: “You monsters! You won’t get away with this! This madness must- “

One of the men knocks Joe unconscious with a swift pistol whip.

Man 1: “Forget it Joe, it’s a Netflix Original.”

The tape rolls for a few more moments, then cuts to black.